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Feeling useless and trampled

I just don't understand. I feel so awkward and squished. I don't have the energy to argue anymore. I have confidence in myself. Mostly. But it just seems that so many around me have no confidence in me. Was it things that I did? Or is it their own prejudices? I really don't know. What I do know is that I no longer have the strength to stand up and fight. I don't want to argue anymore. If people won't believe in me, why should I keep fighting for that belief? I believe in me. There are plenty of friends who believe in me. Why do I keep letting the approval (or lack there of) from those who don't believe in me run my life?

I am strong.

I am smart.

I am wise.

I am kind.

I have courage.

I am me.

Fuck everyone else.

Just.....Irritated lately.

I'm so irritated lately.
I don't really know why. I can guess at a lot of the things that are bothering me. things others are doing, things I'm failing at. Things I'm letting slip by.
But.
I dunno, they shouldn't be amounting to this much irrational crabbiness.

A sad goodbye

I needed to write this down somewhere so that I don't forget.
no one reads this, so this is a good spot. Brian didn't seem to think I was crazy when I told him this morning, but who knows....

Sunday night/early Monday AM, I woke up from a VERY bittersweet dream. I had been visiting with Aunt Teasa, we were laughing and joking like we used to do after I had been house sitting, just us two girls. She got up and gave me a huge hug and told me she had to go, but everything would be ok, and she was happier. She said she would miss me, but that she would be there for me. I told her didn't want her to go, I wanted to visit with her longer. She hugged me again I said she wished she could stay too. Then she walked out of the room. I woke up.

I was so sad when I woke. I told myself she wasn't gone yet, and rolled over and went back to sleep. We talked about so much more, but I don't remember now. I didn't think it was important.

I found out yesterday afternoon that she had passed sometime in the early hours of the morning. She had come to say goodbye. Not sure why she chose to visit me, but I'm glad I got to share that last bit with her.

twitchy...I hate it.

the twitchy itch between my shoulder blades is building again.
I'm not sure why, I usually don't know. But it's there anyways.
it usually doesn't mean good things to come. Usually means a VERY short fuse on my temper and an ache all the way down to my bones to be violent. Fred tells me not to hold it in that that only makes it worse. he doesn't know what I keep such a tight hold on. The vindictive violence. The need to hurt someone just because I can. KNOWING that I can tear them down with a few mere words. I think that is what I saw in jamie, why we held our friendship for so long. the main difference, I saw how much it hurts people to pull the strings, and decided that that was not who I am, who I WON'T be. Maybe that's why I go out of my to help anyone and everyone, guilt. guilt over those I had hurt when I was young, wrongs I had done.
Fred is right in one thing, I have a very powerful personality. I just need to keep it in tight control and make sure I use it for doing good things.

But this itch sometimes....how do I let it out without lashing out at someone I love?

tired....

I think I have too much on my plate again... However, I'm not sure how to take any of it off and yet more keeps getting added. I could say "no". But who else id going to do it? Who else will take care of all this if I don't? No one that I know...

Things to do this week....

1. mail my Godson's baby shower invites
2. LOTS of photo editing
3. clean the house
4. get my ass in gear and quit procrastinating!
5. Oh yeah, nephew is due, well, yesterday. :D so excited!!

...is still reeling...

what a slap in the face.
what a fantastic way to say FU!!

arg! I'm sure i'm more irritated than I should be, but seriously!! WTF?!?!

The way the day feels....

I am slowly going crazy.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Switch.
Crazy going slowly am I.
6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Switch.

What a week, I sometimes feel like I'm running around under an ancient weeping willow, try to gather all the hanging whips at once...

defeated

There reaches a point where I just give up. At this point, I'm so emotionally exhausted, I feel like a walking zombie. Right now, one more blow and I will shatter. I have never before felt this defeated, this...lost. I feel like I'm sitting on my little plank of wood floating in the ocean, with no where to go and no one to save me. Even my usual comforts seem hollow. I feel hollow. I just don't want to fight with anyone anymore. Yet they all seem to think I do. I just can't anymore.

Throwing in the towel

I've decided I'm throwing in the towel as a woman. Apparently it's so much easier to go through life as an inconsiderate, self centered male. Taking others' feelings, situations, and obligations into consideration when I'm trying to plan a wedding is apparently "over thinking things." It must be so nice to go through life unconcerned about other people.